ramblings of a stripping mind.. pt. xii

Posted: November 16, 2006 in Uncategorized

Opposite Pages…


2nite is Saturday the 17th of dec- in two days the 19th. My father would have turned 57.. Anniversary on the 20th, moms bday on the 25th. Heard S on the radio last night, as every Friday, its peaceful to somehow connect beyond these walls.

Had a dream last night. Heard my mother in a visit telling me that my appeal was rejected, woke up with a dry throat and a loud gasp. I guess this may be the first nightmare I remember in my time here. I asked how long the appeal may take, 1-3 years was the consensus. I feel it’ll be closer. I am free. I feel it in every part of me. Tat tvam ahsi.. Its dark and im trying to spill my thoughts onto this page writing in the dark. Praying that my pen can shine a light here that may guide my way. I have no qualms about the lords decree.. Al ghaffur thu alrahma.. I pray that the same way josephs injustice was resolved so may mine. And sooner than I may hope to pray. I trust blindly.. He who is righteous, wise, omniscient, merciful and kind. Bless He who holds all in place and with measure.

Opposite page

Cell 8/1. Population 46. 2 bathrooms. Sleeping on 34 cm. facing the 2 loos. Between 2 scabes infected cellmates. 20 cms above my head is the power source that connects to the coiled water make-do ‘heaters’ that are used for cooking. They lie directly in front of the ‘bathrooms’ an interesting web of water and bare electric sources and wiring.

2nite is the 19th of the final month of the year of our lord 2005. A man called ashraf a kingpin in here, tried to pressure me into loaning a carton of Marlboros. We live in a group of 9. I tried to sleep but they wouldn’t let me. First Osama his fellow- accusee in the case papers tried to get me to join dinner/lunch. Osama is 19 by the way, and he and ashraf are serving a 25 year in prison sentence, because Osama mistakenly threw some water in front of the shop he worked at that mistakenly splashed over this big drug officers suit. 25 years is a bit too much, even for an Armani, which I doubt it was. Next ashraf tried, I got up on his second attempt. The meal; rice, white beans, and rubber [ I mean the untouchable prison meat some depend on, always a joy to give it to someone who seems to enjoy it, but am truly grateful to get the stuff offa my hands]. Ahmed kollohom came asking for a panadol so he can use it to snort some pill or other, left pissed at my refusal. I feel so overloaded with the craziness around and unable to communicate the feelings within to anyone. No one to connect to on a true level on the day my father would have been 57. I want to be alone. Highly unlikely with 34 cms of allocated space. I am in such amood that I fear I may spew venom if I dared open my mouth. Lord bless me with peace and righteousness that I may soar free sooner than I hope, faster than I have prayed.. In a sweet song of redemption.

Nothing here is as it truly seems. Layers upon layers upon layers mask each face and heart. And in moments of lucidity one can glimpse these unbearable truths. And then choose to forget them. Simply because they kill the hope.


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